Being Unemotional In Relationships Made Me The Deal Breaker

Watching The Bodyguard had me thinking about emotionally unavailable relationships. I could relate to the movie wholeheartedly because I have missed out on some great connections out of fear of commitment and intimacy.

I had an unrealistic expectation for the other person to be vulnerable and open when I wasn’t with them, especially when they were just as closed off as I was. Then we both sit around wondering if the feelings are mutual because both of our ice boxed hearts are frozen over.

I would close myself off to the world, hoping that it would shield my heart but all it did was make me feel more alone. While I was trying to block relationships, I didn’t understand the damaging effects it would continuously have on my emotions and how I abandoned the feelings of others in the process of protecting mine.

Being single becomes comfortable, and past traumas make it easy to stay complacent to avoid getting hurt again. I was constantly running away from attachments because I panicked when someone got too close. I would overthink whether the relationships were genuine or just toying with my heart, causing me to draw back my emotions more and more.

I felt like working and shopping would buy my way to happiness but deep inside, I longed for a loving and authentic connection. In her song Run To You, Whitney Houston said,

“A girl who’s scared sometimes/Who isn’t always strong/Can’t you see the hurt in me/I feel so all alone.”

Blocking my real emotions, I would stand firm and dominant in my masculine energy, thinking that I didn’t need to depend on anyone to live my life. I felt like I was good all by myself. I expected others to be mind readers, while my communication was based solely on the fear of rejection. I was acting out of ego to cover up my insecurities.

My expectations of love were a pure illusion. It’s like I trained my heart not to open even when I wanted it to and made excuses for why I didn’t need that relationship. Even when the connection was strong and committed, I would self-sabotage so they wouldn’t get close enough to hurt me again. It was incredibly selfish at the end of the day, and I had to learn that the hard way by taking responsibility for my actions.

I grew pretty tired of “being strong” all of the time, and I realized that it was alright to open my heart up. I didn’t think that your heart could be open and still have clear boundaries or that I’m allowed to fall back sometimes and let someone else lead the way.

I was so used to being alone that I forgot how to show and receive affection. I had years of pent-up passion inside that had been waiting to burst out. Instead of pouring out my heart, my passion turned into aggression. It was all about healing my inner wounds and past traumas. It’s so hard to clear out the old baggage, especially when your emotions have been buried and locked inside your mind and heart for so long.

Having someone in your life who comes and shakes your comfortable foundations and authentically understands you is rare. We can miss these opportunities for great relationships if we always try to make our emotions logical and feeling the need to control the outcome.

Whitney Houston said,

“Will you stay, or will you run away?”

I clearly had to decide if I wanted to spend my life staying stuck by avoiding intimacy or taking a risk and run towards a love that could potentially positively change my life. Even if it doesn’t work out, at least I would be giving it my all. If you wait too long to value the connection, it might become too late to fix it.

It also came down to trusting my intuition to make the right decisions on who should be in my life. It’s not easy giving a relationship your all, but it’s also not fair to go into a new relationship with unhealed trauma wounds, fear, and a pessimistic mindset. There should be mutual trust in one another.

The whole time I was missing out on love. I had to get to the point where I threw my hands up in the air and said, “let’s see how this goes,” and eventually giving it everything I’ve got—running towards what I want without fear and hoping for the best. I had to learn how to provide some good ole unconditional love and solid communication. “A closed mouth don’t get fed.”

Whitney Houston — run to you. Genius. (n.d.). Retrieved November 9, 2021, from https://genius.com/Whitney-houston-run-to-you-lyrics.

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