Suppressing My Empathic Emotions To Make Other People Comfortable

I had a bad habit of sparing people's feelings so I could avoid confrontation. I’m definitely a lover and not a fighter, so I avoided any conflict like the plague. I looked at communicating emotions as conflict instead of understanding that expressing what is on your mind and emotions that are bothering you is healthy. I found myself moving in the flow of others. I eventually had to take accountability for accepting this type of behavior from people and put my foot down on what actions I allowed in my life.

My favorite word was “sure,” even though in the back of my mind I was thinking, “Ugh, no.” I cared way too much about their reaction from me standing up for myself over my own desires. Call me a “chump,” but I did it all out of love, and I was unaware that it was feeding my abandonment issues.

I allowed unnecessary excess baggage to weigh me down because of my lack of boundaries. I don’t mind helping others, but I was doing way too much. I treated people how I wanted to be treated because, of course, I would want someone to be there for me if I needed a helping hand. It was to the point where I would give the shirt off of my back if anyone needed it, even if they didn’t deserve it.

I would get moody and irritated around certain individuals and shut all the way down, but I didn’t know why and it caused me to think that I was bi-polar. My emotions would gradually simmer within my soul until they finally boiled over. When my pot was hot, I let my words cut deep. Then they wondered, “what’s wrong with her?”

The comments that followed were “you’re too sensitive,” “you can’t take a joke,” and “OMG, you’re too emotional for me.” I’ve never enjoyed arguing, so I tried to avoid it by being passive-aggressive.

After I exploded, I regretted it and felt guilty. I wanted to be and feel heard while having some respect put on my name. Even though I could identify my emotions, I didn’t have the proper delivery. When I finally delivered my words, it was way past the due date. Sometimes, I didn’t say a thing. I just let it eat at me, and I slowly crumbled inside. The more that I crumbled inside the more I dimmed my light. Once the light is gone, everything becomes dark.

I thought my communication was effective through text messages without understanding that, at times, I was sending out mixed signals. I found it easier to communicate over the phone because I could hide behind it, turn on Do Not Disturb, and toss my phone to the side when I was in avoidance mode. That way, I could express my true feelings and thoughts without being ridiculed in person. Being physically around someone allowed the empath in me to surrender.

Suppressing my emotions was more dangerous than I imagined, especially when I didn’t convey my feelings appropriately and at the right moments. I thought fleeing the scene was acceptable when it came to disagreements I wasn’t ready to discuss. When in reality, it was linked to my past trauma and attachment issues. I was disrupting my peace, sparing others’ feelings from what I should have been protecting myself from. When you don’t speak up for yourself, someone else will speak up for you.

After expressing my emotions bluntly, it opened up the portals to help me level up with confidence, embrace self-love, and reinforce my boundaries. I became more assertive and started to apply pressure. I was content with allowing people in my life to “drop like flies.” It made me realize who the energy vampires were in my life who stuck around to suck my blood dry, and I was only replenishing and adding nutrients to theirs.

Literally, everyone who wasn’t respecting me, open to my self-expression, and reciprocating my efforts was snipped away from my energy cord. If you couldn’t accept my new profound limitations, I knew I would start over-extending myself if I allowed that relationship into my life. I finally established my boundaries and displayed them "clear as day."

The quote “speak your truth even if your voice shakes” inspired me to voice my opinion no matter the circumstances. I was stronger than I allowed myself to think and display. I had to step in the lead of my inner child’s emotions and stand my ground by being self-assured and bold. My power and voice were always in my hands.

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